NEW YORK—Hissing with distaste as the dreaded Christian symbol suddenly appeared on his phone screen, Scott Tatum—a real-life Dracula—reportedly recoiled Friday after seeing a Tinder profile picture of a woman wearing a crucifix. “My eyes, my eyes,” said the screaming, writhing 32-year-old, who, as if he were Nosferatu himself, attempted to swipe away from the photo as quickly as possible before the image of Carly, a petite blond woman sporting a necklace with a thin gold cross, could blind his vision, melt his flesh, and cause his physical form to burst into flame. “Oh, though the pendant may be small, subtle, and trendy, it burns, it burns! Be gone, Carly, and your love of ‘sunsets, football, and Jesus.’ Begone!” At press time, the female user had permanently blocked Tatum’s account as if she were Van Helsing driving a stake into the notorious vampire’s heart and watching him dissolve into ash.
