WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly concerned as she peered around at the marching troops, towed artillery, and self-propelled howitzers, local D.C. doggy daycare owner Frieda Shaw told reporters Saturday that she worried her sponsored parade float was sticking out at President Donald Trump’s military parade. “At first, I was really excited to spread the word about Doggy Getaway—I even stayed up all night assembling this giant puppy head—but I keep getting the sense these soldiers don’t really want me here,” said the 53-year-old business owner, who reportedly removed her dog ears headband and attempted to rub away her painted-on whiskers as she looked at the endless rows of Abrams M1 battle tanks stretching down the streets of the nation’s capital. “Nobody else is throwing Pup-Peroni off their float. And those service members just seemed confused when I tried to hand them a discount coupon for one free doggy scrubdown. Huh. Looks like they’re also doing some kind of flyover. Guess it’s as good a time as any to blast ‘Who Let The Dogs Out?’ and see if I can get anyone dancing along with me.” Shaw added that she could try drawing some Hellfire missiles on the side of her float in an attempt to fit in, but it would go against everything her doggy daycare stood for.
