THE HEAVENS—Cursing aloud the moment news of Leo XIV’s election arrived on His phone screen, the Lord Almighty told reporters Thursday that he had lost $400 Thursday betting on Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle to become pope. “Oh, son of a bitch, that pretty much cleans out my savings,” said the visibly frustrated deity, who groaned that He had always known the Filipino prelate was a long shot but that the “insane payout” had been too good to pass up. “Dammit, I should’ve known they would go with another white dude. I know you’re never supposed to bet more than your liquid assets, but clearly I got greedy. Shit. I should probably just turn off my phone and lay low in purgatory or something. Otherwise, my bookie’s gonna break my knees.” At press time, God was reportedly spotted calling His son to ask if Christ could do Him a massive favor.
