SAN DIEGO—Calling the in-person gathering an exciting chance to check in on old friends, local resident Anthony Crews told reporters Thursday that this week’s in-person fantasy football draft had been a great excuse to see how weird-looking everyone in his 12-person keeper league was getting. “It’s really less about who I get at tight end and more about seeing who’s balding, who’s putting on weight in strange places, who’s got intensely jacked calves from cycling—it’s a fun surprise every time,” said Crews, describing the four-hour snake draft as a perfect opportunity to hang out and compare asymmetrical physiques, gross skin blotches, unruly neck hair, and whatever other biological oddities had developed since the previous year. “Mike started taking Ozempic, and it’s given him these huge, pendulous jowls—makes a whistling sound whenever he says ‘McCaffrey.’ And something’s going on with Andy’s knees. They look super dry and scaly, and I know they weren’t that way at the last draft, because he was wearing the exact same pair of mesh shorts. Also, I don’t know what happened to Mark, but I’m pretty sure he used to be able to move the left side of his face.” Crews added that while his league mates’ appearances had continued to deteriorate, they could all take solace in the fact that the commissioner’s mother’s garage hadn’t changed one bit.
